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Старый 25.01.2003, 09:05   #1 
Jeese
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Trakanon must die

You have entered Old Sebilis
Ranger says, “Hey guys look at this new RANGER ONLY weapon I got! Verant has definitely done the right thing THIS time! Needle of Tunare: Damage 1 delay 1!
Paladin raises his eyebrows.
Paladin says, “You’re actually going to USE that? That suicide!
Ranger says, “No its not! I have Warrior here to taunt off me!
Level59Warrior shifts uneasily from foot to foot
Warrior has yet to tell Ranger he can’t taunt Trakanon because Trakanon is higher level and Warrior isn’t level 60 yet.
Warrior quickly changes the subject.
Warrior says, “Ok is everyone here?”
Enchanter says, “Just a sec”
Enchanter begins to cast a spell.
Enchanter turns into a fire elemental.
Enchanter says, “Ahh I am the master of illusions.”
Bard uses Iksar Hide Mask.
Necromancer turns into a spectre.
Druid and Ranger turn into wolves.
Shaman turns into a bear.
Rogue uses Guise of the deceiver.
Enchanter sighs.
Warrior says, “Alright then, lets get moving”
Warrior shouts, “Assist on me Froglock Shmuck Wizard"
Tanks charge Froglok Shmuck Wizard.
Necromancer begins to cast a spell.
Froglock Shmuck Wizard pokes Necromancer for 001 points of damage.
Necromancer’s casting is interrupted!
Froglok Shmuck Wizard begins to cast a spell.
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
Warrior hits Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 150 points of damage
RangerWithStupidlyFastWeapon pokes Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 4 points of damage about a million times.
Rogue backstabs Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 500 points of damage.
Rogue backstabs Froglok Shmuck Wizard for 500 points of damage.
Froglok Shmuck Wizard shrugs and continues its casting.
GroupOPlayers rise chaotically into the air.
14Players bonk into the ceiling for 1 point of damage.
14Players fall back to the ground for 30 points of damage.
Slightly Annoyed Wizard, Magician, and Druid all nuke Froglok Shmuck Wizard several times over.
Froglok Shmuck Wizard has been slain!
Cleric master-loots Froglok Shmuck Wizard’s corpse.
Cleric has looted a Fire Opal.
Cleric has looted a Sapphire.
Cleric has looted a Fire Emerald
Cleric has looted a Blue Diamond.
Cleric pockets all the shiny gems.
GroupOPlayers look at Cleric.
Cleric says, “Well I need to pay for my Symbol Don’t I?”
Moths fly out of Warrior’s pockets.
Several hundred peridots fall out of Cleric’s Bag of the Tinkerers.
Cleric says, “Ok, Ok, I’ll split the change then.
You receive 1 gold, 38 silver, and 483 copper as your split.
Druid says, “Oh who cares, all I want is my Trakanon loot!”
GroupOPlayers agree and move on.

Later on…
Tanks whomp mercilessly on Tolapumj.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 1 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 2 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Ranger for 270 points of damage.
Warrior hits Tolapumj for 125 points of damage.
Warrior hits Tolapumj for 125 points of damage.
Warrior bashes Tolapumj for 25 points of damage.
Tolapumj glares at tanks.
Tolapumj brushes off his robe.
Tolapumj says, “Argh, and I just cleaned and ironed this thing too!”
Wizard begins to cast a spell.
Druid begins to cast a spell.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 1 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 4 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 3 points of damage.
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 2 points of damage.
Ranger kicks Tolapumj for 1 point of damage.
Ranger says, “Ok, this sucks”
Ranger backs off and takes out his bow.
Wizard’s spell has been resisted.
Druid’s spell hits dead-on.
Tolapumj says, “Hit by non-melee for 1024 points of damage.”
Verant Employee poofs in.
GroupOPlayers and Tolapumj stop fighting and look at Verant Employee.
Verant Employee slaps Tolapumj.
Verant Employee says, “This is your last warning, Tolapumj. We told you not to say that almost a year ago! Do it again and we take away your retirement plan!”
Verant Employee poofs away.
GroupOPlayers look at Tolapumj.
Tolapumj looks at GroupOPlayers.
Tolapumj says, “What the…? That was odd.”
Ranger draws his bowstring.
Fighting resumes.
Ranger shoots with his bow.
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Other Tanks lay the beat-down upon Tolapumj.
Rogue backstabs Tolapumj for 400 points of damage.
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Ranger uses his Trueshot Discipline.
Ranger tries to hit Tolapumj, but misses!
Ranger hits Tolapumj for 1 point of non-melee damage.
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj hits Rogue for 280 points of damage
Tolapumj begins to cast a spell.
Tolapumj does a back flip in the middle of the battle.
Rogue has been ice-cometed.
Rogue has been knocked unconscious!
Rogue uses his discipline.
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Tolapumj tries to hit UnconsiousRogue, but UnconsiousRogue dodges!
Cleric bonks her Donal’s Breastplate.
Warrior gives an alarmed look at Cleric.
Cleric says, “Well I gotta be mana efficient here!
Warrior and Paladin taunt like crazy.
PaladinWhoNeverWorkedOnTaunt says, “Hey boogerbrain! Over here!”
WarriorWithMasterTauntSkill says, “Come on you wussy froglok! You call that a hit??! My GRANDMOTHER hits harder than that! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
RandomMob walks by.
Ranger says, “add”
Warrior says, “Add!”
Necromancer says, “ADD”
Shaman says, “Add”
Wizard says, “ADD!”
Magician says, “Add”
Paladin says, “add”
Shadowknight says, “Add”
Bard says, “ADD”
Monk says, “add!”
Cleric says, “add”
Rogue says, “Add!’
Druid says, “add”
Enchanter wakes from his deep slumber.
Enchanter says sleepily, “Huuuh? Does everyone need another round of my Epic already?
Enchanter notices RandomMob.
Enchanter says, “Oh…”
Enchanter begins to cast a spell.
RandomMob has been mezzed.
Necro’s pet suddenly turns around, whacks MezzedRandomMob, then immediately goes back to fighting Tolapumj.
Random mob starts beating on Enchanter.
Enchanter makes a rude gesture at Necro’s Pet.
Nukers all begin to cast spells.
Nukers hit Tolapumj for an obscene amount of non-melee damage.
Tolapumj is at 10 hit-points.
Tolapumj begins to cast a spell.
Warrior has been stripped of all buffs.
Warrior says, “ARGH what’s your problem?!”
Warrior shoves Tolapumj to the ground for 9 points of damage.
Tolapumj chucks a rock at GroupOPlayers with his last ounce of strength.
Warrior kicks Tolapumj for 1 point of damage.
Tolapumj has been slain by Warrior!
a flying rock tries to hit Necromancer, but Necromancer dodges!
a flying rock tries to hit Magician, but Magician dodges!
a flying rock tries to hit Enchanter, but Enchanter dodges!
a flying rock tries to hit Wizard, but Wizard dodges!
a flying rock hits Ranger square between the eyes.
Ranger has been knocked unconscious!
13Players roll their eyes and move on.

Right outside Trakanon’s lair…
Warrior says, “Ok guys, this is it. Everyone ready?”
Magician says, “Wait a second! Where’s my pet??? Goner! Goner! Here boy!
Trakanon roars in the distance.
Taunting Attacker Master.
Magician says, “Uggh”
Magician sits down and waits to die.
An endless 3 seconds pass.
YOU have been summoned!
Trakanon says, “You will not evade me a_Magician00”
Trakanon says, “Magicians like you really bring out the worst in me!”
Trakanon says, “You Magicians have ruined your own lands, you’ll not ruin mine!
Trakanon says, “Magicians like you are better left dead than alive!
Trakanon says, “I really hate Magicians like you!
Trakanon says, “Magicians like you--“
Magician slaps Trakanon.
Magician says, “Will you shut up and just kill me!!!”
Trakanon says, “Whoa thanks, I needed that”
Trakanon gives Magician an evil grin.
Magician is slain like nothing he has ever seen.
An ominous silence fills the cave.
RemainingPlayers gulp and look around.
RandomSebilisPlayer shouts, “Disco 1 looking for chanter!”
Enchanter pauses for a second.
Enchanter looks around at everyone.
Enchanter says, “Well you don’t really need me anymore do you???”
Enchanter shouts, “Be right there!”
Enchanter leaves.
Warrior says, “We better charge before anyone else goes.”
Warrior says, “Cleric, start casting your Breastplate now, and maybe it will actually heal someone on time.
Warrior charges headlong and says, “Death to Trakanon!”
Cleric sighs.
Trakanon roars.
Warrior wheels around and runs out feared.
RestOPlayers reluctantly charge.
Bard accidentally clicks his Plane of Growth breastplate.
Bard says, “Crap!”
Bard begins to uncontrollably sing Selo’s Song of Travel.
Bard zooms past Trakanon faster than Spirit of Cheetah.
Bard crashes into the opposite wall with only his feet sticking out of the crater.
Bard has been knocked unconscious!
RemainingTanks throw everything they have at Trakanon.
Paladin hits Trakanon for 100 points of damage.
Paladin hits Trakanon for 100 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 620 points of damage.
Monk uses his discipline.
Monk lands a thunderous kick! (25)
Monk says, “#$!@”
Rogue climbs up on Trakanon’s tail to get into position for backstab.
Rogue tries to backstab Trakanon, but misses!
Shadowknight says sarcastically, “Nice miss there! His back is only as big as what, a barn door????”
Rogue falls off Trakanon’s tail.
Shaman looks around mildly.
Shaman says, “Anyone need their dexterity buffs renewed?”
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Trakanon hits Paladin for 600 points of damage.
Paladin says, “Oh crap, Cleric where are you?”
Cleric is struggling with her breastplate.
Paladin says, “Forget it”
Paladin begins to cast a spell.
Paladin feels a healing touch.
Trakanon says, “Oh no you don’t!”
Paladin has been uber-dotted.
6 seconds pass.
Paladin has been slain by Trakanon’s dot.
Trakanon proceeds to slay the rest of the tanks.
Wizard uses his new dragon DD.
Trakanon has been hit for 2,000 points of unresistable damage
Wizard proceeds to make idle conversation “Hey did you know the mana cost on that was just reduced?”
Cleric’s Breastplate effect occurs and casts on Paladin’s corpse.
Trakanon roars.
Cleric has been summoned!
Cleric casts Divine Aura.
Trakanon says, “You will not evade me Cleric”
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Trakanon tries to hit Cleric, but Cleric is INVULNERABLE!
Cleric laughs
Trakanon begins to cast his 3k DoT
Cleric casts Divine Barrier and chuckles at the other classes
All other classes have been hit with the 3k DoT, except for Paladin who is already dead, and the only other class that could’ve resisted it.
All other classes are slain by the DoT.
Divine Barrier blinks and fades.
Cleric says, “Oooh crap”
Trakanon gives Cleric an evil grin much like he did to Magician.
Trakanon says, “Victory is mine!”
Ranger rushes in.
Ranger says, “Don’t worry Cleric! I’ll save you!”
Cleric moans, rolls her eyes, and looks up at Trakanon.
Cleric says, “Are you going to kill me or not??”
Ranger says, “Don’t worry, I know what I’m—
Ranger trips and falls.
Ranger’s Needle of Tunare flys out of his hand.
Trakanon watches in horror as the needle spins towards him in slow motion.
Trakanon tries to dodge the needle Matrix-style.
Trakanon has forgotten he is the size of a bus.
Trakanon is hit in the face by the needle.
Trakanon shouts, “MY EYE MY EYE!!!!!!! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!! AAAAAAGGGHHH…”
Trakanon has been slain by Ranger!
Cleric says, “WTF? I don’t believe it!”
Cleric scrolls her text box up to make sure.
Ranger checks Trakanon’s Corpse.
Ranger says, “Maybe ill finally complete my set of Tolan!”
The sound of Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, and Hanson simultaneously fills the air.
Cleric screams in horror.
Ranger shouts, “AHHHHHHH!!! 3 singing steel breastplates! RUUUUN

Старый 26.01.2003, 01:24   #2 
imported_Till
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Смешно, хотя конечно старовато. А вот вроде из последнего ЕК юмора :

From the steps of Mt. Doom...

Frodo looked out across the barren landscape, the Ring heavy in his pocket. "Oh, Sam, I\'m so tired. We have travelled so far, and endured so much to come to this horrid place at last. But I cannot go on, I simply have not the strength to continue."

"Enough of that, Mr. Frodo", Sam said, tears welling in his sad brown eyes. The six months of travel showed on Samwise Gamgee, and the strain of getting to this hellish point echoed still in his darkened countenance. His hood was drawn up against the hot wind blowing from the slopes of the infernal mountain. "Mr. Elrond chose well, he did, when he held counsel. He saw through to your heart, and knew you would be strong, Mr. Frodo, and that\'s what you are. Come now, let\'s get moving. The faster we\'re done with this unpleasant business the faster we can get back to the Shire." Sam glanced uneasily at Gollum, still tressed in the elven rope, and scratching where it burned his skin. Gollum glared back at Sam, an unmistakeable hungry leer in his look.

"Aye, Samwise, it has been a long road, it\'s true. I do wish old Bilbo had never found this ring, and started us all on this perilous...what was that noise? Orcs?"

On the path ahead, a commotion arose. Cheers and ragged screams welled from what sounded like a hundred voices filled the chasms around Mt. Doom with an unholy cacophany. From the cave mouth just ahead, where the Fires of Mt. Doom burned forever, a giant Ogre came stumbling out, and trod to within inches of where Gollum, Samwise, and Frodo sat. The three shrank back against the cliff in fear, but the ogre took no notice of them. Instead, he raised his cudgel to the sky, and screamed in the full timbre of his ogrish voice, "WOOT! Dark Lord PWNED!"

An answering call of a hundred voices echoed from without the cave, and many a shout of "Woot!" and "Gratz!" came, as more and more beings piled forth from the cave. Elves, Hobbits, Trolls, and Humans all came forth, slapping the ogre on the back and looking at a small black bag the ogre held in his other hand. "PWNED!"

"Uhm, excuse me...", began Frodo.

"Eh?" the ogre turned and looked at the halfing, noticing him for the first time. "WTF are you doing here? Is that Mithril? Dude, WTF are you doing in this zone in Mithril? Go to Lothlorien, and get yourself a Galadriel Skin Tunic. It\'s like so much better than that crap you\'re wearing. Mithril, that\'s like, tradeskill stuff, right? Hey, Ubernutz, check this hobbit out, he\'s in this zone in fooking tradeskill crap!"

"Just a sec, Urofsuke," a half elf said from a little ways up the trail. "I\'m doing loot. Did you say tradeskill stuff? Hah, how lame!"

Frodo\'s head swam, with hunger and the heat. "Yes, the tunic, it was forged by dwarves long ago, and was given to me by my Uncle..."

"You\'re a twink?"

"Ah, hmm. I was just wondering..ah, you see, I found this Ring, lost for centuries, and was sent on a quest from Rivendell to destroy..."

"You\'re doing the fooking QUEST?! BWAH, hahahah, that\'s rich, dude, no one has the time to wait for that Gollum puke to spawn! Just come and kill TDL and get his hand, and do the turn in from there. WTF, I can\'t believe you waited for the fooking ring." Urofsuke peered down at the little hobbit, a look of distain across his broad face. "Doesn\'t matter now, of course, we just pwned TDL and he won\'t be around for a while."

Frodo blinked, confused by the ogre\'s words. "TDL...?"

Urofsuke sighed, and took on a tone of voice usually reserved for small, ogrish children who had eaten a froglok right before their dinnertime. "The Dark Lord, dude. The boss mob in this zone. We just killed him, so he won\'t be up for you to do the quest part with that ring."

"But the council of Rivendell...."

"Dude, let me tell you, Rivendell sucks. It\'s only good for tradeskills. Only reason to go to that zone is to pharm crowns from Elrond. Nice crown, but it\'s his rare. He usually just drops a no drop phial, heals damage from Mordor Blades. Like anyone uses one of those POS things."

"Pharm...crowns?" Frodo\'s vision blurred, and he swayed backwards, momentarily losing his footing. He knocked against Gollum, who let out a yelp and scampered further back against the cliff.

"Holy fook, it\'s Gollum!" and without another word, Urofsuke smashed Gollum with a mighty blow from his cudgel, and killed the poor, pathetic creature outright. Gollum let out a small squeal, then lay still, pressed against the elven cord. "Hahahah! Fooking Greenie mob! I love those!", and the ogre walked up and took a heretofore unseen bag from Gollum\'s back. "Woot! Gollum\'s satchel! This\'ll bring me a couple kpp! Uh, dude, there\'s another ring on the corpse, it\'s no drop, and not lore, if you want it..."

"Now see here, Gollum was with us!" Samwise began, momentarily overcoming his bewilderment and fear to approach the towering ogre. "We were taking him to..."

"Can\'t claim an outdoor mob, dude. Gollum\'s FFA. If you didn\'t attack him, he\'s not your mob. Sorry, them\'s the rules."

"Urofsuke, my alt just reported Smaug up in Gondor, dude, let\'s go!" Ubernutz had finished handing around what appeared to be a darkened sword and crown. "We\'re porting out from here, you in?"

"Yeah, I"m coming. Well, nice talking to you guys. We\'re porting to Gondor, you guys need a lift?"

"We have walked for many months to come to this place..." Frodo began again, trying to regain some measure of control over the situation.

"You WALKED? In MITHRIL? To MOUNT DOOM? Dude, there\'s a port in at Minas Morgul! WTF ever, okay? I\'m outta here." And with that, a shimmering light surrounded the ogre, and a whooshing sound heralded his disappearance, and the disappearance of the other hundred or so souls that had gathered on that desolate trail, leaving Samwise and Frodo alone, once again, with only the bleeding corpse of Gollum for company. The one ring of power gleamed dully in Frodo\'s hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it had been.

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people"
Tillaen 55 Wizard / Ellan 60 Monk of Antonius Bayle.
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